The McHappy McVenture
by Darksky Alchemist
Summary: After a long and harrowing morning at Costco, five villainous members of the infamous Organization XIII decide to reward themselves with a nice lunch at McDonalds. Little do they know, the trip will have more in store for them than a side order of fries..
1. The Parking Lot

(A/N: HIYA!!! Okay, I guess I have to do this whole disclaimer thing, so here goes:

I do not own Kingdom Hearts or anything to do with it.  
I do not own McDonalds. (But if I did, I'd be stinkin' rich.)  
I do, however, own an inflatable palm tree.

Okay, was that good? I've never posted a Fanfiction before so this stuff is pretty new to me. Sorry if I don't do it right or something! Okay, so just so you wonderful readers know, I am not trying to make fun of McDonalds, because it's my favourite fast food place, and it always has been. So no offense to McDonalds people. Also, the way Axel, Marluxia, Demyx, Xemnas, Xigbar, and Vexen are portrayed in this story is meant to be funny. So if you believe in your heart that it is all wrong, I greatly apologize. But too bad. :) For your information, this does not contain yaoi, so clear off if that's what you were looking for, okay? If you'd like to leave a review, you are more than welcome! I only request that you leave kind, constructive reports that I can make useful, and not horrible, bullying, bashing flames that don't even make sense. I'd appreciate it very much! As for anyone still here after all this pointless ranting, please enjoy this epic tale of destiny!! If there are any points of advice, please don't hesitate to let me know! Have fun! (And do not, I repeat, DO NOT, ever, EVER...release your talking table into the wild. It could come in useful.)

AAAAaaaaand let the story commence!!!

**A McHappy McVenture**

_Chapter 1: The Parking Lot_  
_  
_"I AM SO EXCITED!!" Bellowed a flushed young man as he eagerly stumbled across the parking lot. His spiky blonde mohawk was so stiff with jell that it didn't even move a touch when he stopped to bounce in place, waiting for his companions. "HURRY UP!" His bright blue eyes shone with utter joy. A man with a black eye patch jammed his fingers into his ears as the boy continued to shriek.

"Demyx! Would you just SHUT UP already?!" He complained in a gruff voice as he clamped his yellow eye shut. The wind was blustering noisily through his long black hair, causing the grey streaks in his ponytail to whip violently to and fro.

"Oh, Xigbar, have a heart." A woman--er...a man said as he strut past Xigbar. He glared at the smug face that had just spoken to him through his uncovered eye. At that moment, he hated everything about the man (um...I _think_ he's a man...), right from his feathery pink hair all the way to the stupid red rose which he was stupidly twirling between his stupidly stupid fingers.

"Don't even _look_ at me, Marluxia. I shall never, EVER forgive you for as long as you live." Xigbar growled viciously. A tall man stuck his head over Xigbar's shoulder to look at him. His mischievous grin matched his bright, curious green eyes and violently red, spiked hair.

"What did he do?" He asked in his smooth voice, smirking. Xigbar muttered and walked away, towards the building.

"Sheesh." Said the red-head, crossing his arms. "Touchy." He glanced at Marluxia with a sparkle in his eye, hoping for an answer. Marluxia shrugged.

"All I did was make his snipers a little more fashionable, that's all." He told him innocently. The red-head's smile widened as he imagined a pair of soft pink sniper guns, covered in vines and showered with flower petals.

Suddenly, he heard a deep voice behind him.

"Don't even think about it, Axel." Axel turned around to find himself face to face with a sweeping silver haired man, his Superior. His amber eyes were piercing, but Axel's smile didn't fade.

"Yes!!" The oldest man he knew stepped out from behind the Superior, tugging on his own long, grimy, blonde locks. "I know how it feels to be viciously sabotaged by Marluxia!!" Said the man. He held up a thick book labeled _'Shakespeare At Best'_ and flipped to a page near the end, holding it up to Axel's face. Someone had evidently given Hamlet a manicure and facial with purple ink, now causing him to look exactly like Marluxia.

"Ugh, Vexen, why'd you show me that? Excuse me while I go barf." Axel replied, turning away. Vexen tucked hi book away, looking very proud of himself.

"Alright, already. Let's get out of this car's way." Said the silver haired Superior, pointing at the silver vehicle that had been waiting patiently for the group to cross the parking lot for the last five minutes.

"Oh...Sorry Xemnas, right." Said Axel. As he walked by the car, admiring it, Vexen began to SCREAM!!! Axel hardly even noticed when Vexen almost plowed him over as he sped around in circles.

"Mustang GT, 2006..." Axel seriously contemplated stealing the car, but Xemnas was ushering him along. Vexen crashed into the Mustang GT, and it was obvious from the look on the driver's face that he was screaming. The car backed up much faster than necessary and sped off down the busy street, backwards.

Xemnas helped up the old man and Axel rolled his eyes. The parking lot was calm once again, but the peaceful quiet was sharply interrupted almost instantly.

"COME ON!!! HURRY UP, I AM STARVING!!" Demyx yelled at the top of his lungs. Everyone cringed and finally hurried inside.


	2. The Art of Ordering

_Chapter 2: The Art of Ordering_

The fast food joint was fairly empty, but the odd group still received a couple of usual suspicious glares.

"I thought this place was supposed to be popular!" Voiced Xigbar as he shoved past Marluxia.

"Well, I guess we beat the rush. Besides, it's Tuesday." Axel replied. "And everyone else must've been too tired out to come from walking around Costco ALL FREAKIN' MORNING." He stared pointedly at Xemnas.

Xemnas was falling behind, as he was trying his very best to help Vexen, who seemed to have suddenly lost the use of his legs. He gave Axel as reproachful look as he dragged the old man along.

"We needed supplies. Costco has supplies. You can buy anything you need in mass quantities at Costco."

"Yeah!" Snapped Xigbar. "And the mass amount of massive people there almost crushed us all, en-masse! I had to stop myself from becoming a mass murderer and sending them all to hell in a raging mass of bullets!"

"Well," Marluxia interjected, smiling and flashing his perfectly white teeth, "at least we managed to burn some fat from all of that walking around!"

There was a thumping, crashing noise and Demyx, Axel, Xigbar, and Marluxia turned back in surprise.

"YES!" Screamed Vexen, who had very unexpectedly regained the feeling in his legs and kicked out suddenly, causing Xemnas to let go in shock, allowing the old man to go flying into the wall. He was lying facedown with his body draped over a table.

"BE OPTIMISTIC!" He crowed in his crackled voice. Xemnas proceeded right on past, giving up on his dream of helping hold people across restaurants.

The others followed their Superior's lead and headed around the corner, where the till lined counted seemed to wait just for them. Demyx's eyes sparkled as he gaped at the grease filled menu above the cashiers.

"Hi! Welcome to McDonalds, how may I serve you?" Demyx looked at the pimply teenage boy behind the till, then back up at the menu.

"Um...Uh..." He squinted and tilted his head, thinking hard. "I...um...um..."

"Can I take your order?" The boy asked again. Demyx jumped and started to feel the pressure.

"Uh...I...I-I'm not ready yet!!!" He said defensively, wringing his hands.

"I'll have a Big-Mac." Said Axel, cutting in front of Demyx and leaning on the counter. "But cut the mustard, I hate mustard." The boy nodded and punched in the order. Xemnas pushed his way in front of Demyx as well.

"Don't get that mixed up with _my_ order. Make _sure_ my honey-grilled chicken burger has mustard. I can't eat it without."

Axel look repulsed. "Mustard on chicken?! What is your _problem_? You maniac!"

"I'll have the Caesar salad." Said Marluxia, removing Axel from his desired space by pushing him in the forehead. "Make sure it hasn't been near anything fatty, I'm allergic to grease."

"Shove over!" Grunted Xigbar as he bumped his way in between Xemnas and Axel. "Do you got baked potatoes? Gimme five!" He commanded, slamming his hands down on the counter. "I want the ones in combo two, six, uh..four, and ---"

"Oh, and put raisins in my salad too. They're supposed to be good for the skin." Marluxia interrupted, waving his hand around like an impatient prince.

"How are raisins good for your skin?! They're almost as wrinkled as Vexen's face!" Axel commented. Marluxia sniffed.

"_You_ don't read health magazines, obviously."

"On second though, just give me five of the same kind. Yeah." Xigbar continued as if he hadn't even been interrupted. The poor cashier was beginning to sweat as he punched in orders and requests as fast as he could. The boy nearly jumped out of his skin when Xemnas let loose a terrified yelp. Vexen was crawling between his knees with his little butt wiggling in a desperate attempt to reach the till. Xemnas jumped backwards and tripped on his own cloak, toppling onto the floor.

"...I want a fish burger." Vexen whispered, still on his hands and knees on the ground.

"Who said that?!" Cried the cashier in fright. Demyx timidly approached the counter, still not taking his eyes off the menu.

"I think I know what I want now." he said, sounding unsure.

"Oh, and cake my potatoes in sour cream and bacon bits, too." Said Xigbar. He clapped his hands together and dusted them off as if he was proud of a job well done. The cashier looked back at Demyx.

"Are you the last order?" He asked hopefully.

"Can I have a Happy Meal?" Requested Demyx politely.

"Will that be with Chicken McNuggets, or with a cheeseburger?"

Demyx went pale as his eyes darted back to the menu. Xemnas picked himself up off of the floor, glaring furiously down at Vexen, who was still crawling around on the ground. Axel clapped his Superior on the shoulder wearing his usual smug smirk.

"Smooth move." He said before walking back to the counter. Xemnas said nothing, but resisted with all his might against giving Vexen a good, hard kick.

"Hurry up, Demyx, we're hungry." Complained Marluxia in a bored voice. The pimply cashier, however, looked as if he appreciated the break.

"Oh! I know!" Cried Demyx in triumph, throwing both arms into the air energetically and causing the cashier to jump.

"I would like a plain cheeseburger!" He announced, beaming. His companions gave him a very unenthusiastic round of applause as they gathered around the counter to wait for their food. The boy behind the till slowly touched the order pad, taking a deep breath as he did. The group of villains stared at him. Cringing, he spoke quietly, sounding dreadful.

"...Would you like drinks with that?"


	3. Consuming

_Chapter 3: Consuming_

"Guys!! Let's go sit in there!!" Demyx excitedly pulled open the transparent door, pointing with his other hand at the purple slide on the other side. He held open the door for Xemnas and Marluxia, who walked through without thanking him.

"Hey, good idea, Demyx! We'll have an area all to ourselves!" Axel complimented. He walked into the empty kiddy room, holding his paper bag of food and carrying a red tray, covered in nothing but little ketchup packages.

"Look! I'm German!" Said Vexen eagerly as he rushed up to Demyx, modeling his new samurai hairdo, which he had constructed for himself by using the aid of straws.

"Argh!!"

Demyx curiously leaned forward in order to peek around Vexen, and laid eyes on Xigbar, who was struggling to keep his grip on the tray he was holding. On it sat everyone's drinks and three bags of food, while he was desperately clutching another bad in his arms, along with all five of his baked potatoes, _and_ Axel's box of warm apple pie. Vexen took a step back and cautiously approached Xigbar.

(A/N: PFFFT! APPROACH!!! What a GREAT FUNNY WORD!!! Approach!!! APPROACH!!!! It's almost as great and funny as "CHOKE"! Wow!!)

"Do you need some help?" He asked in a surprising tone of concern. Xigbar nodded, still scowling.

"That'd be nice, yeah." He replied as he tried to re-hoist he tray by balancing it on his knee. Vexen smiled kindly, turned his back to Xigbar, and walked away, straight through the door Demyx was still holding open. Demyx dropped his jaw in devastation.

"Never mind, Demyx. Just give me a hand." Demyx rushed over to Xigbar and he dumped the baked potatoes into his outstretched arms. With a touch of difficulty and some teamwork, the two were able to re-open the door and reach their spot. Demyx relaxed and allowed the potatoes to tumble out of his arms and across the table.

"Whew!" He sighed in relief.

"Oh, thank goodness. I was afraid you two tripped and decapitated yourselves or something. Though it wouldn't be much of a loss." Marluxia commented, smirking cruelly. Demyx crossed his arms and made a pouty face, unimpressed.

"Yeah, well, I'd retaliate by punching you in the head, but I don't hit girls." Said Xigbar as he seated himself and pulled one of his baked potatoes towards him. Demyx and Axel threw their heads back and laughed, and even Xemnas gave a chuckle, but Marluxia looked highly offended. He contorted his face, trying to come up with an acceptable comeback. While he thought, the laughter died down. Marluxia was about to open his mouth to retaliate when Vexen let loose a high pitched shriek of laughter, a moment too late.

Everyone stared at him, but he continued to stare straight ahead, emotionless. Marluxia cleared his throat, demanding attention.

"At least _I_ am not a disgusting caveman drenched in stink. I know how to arrange flowers, like a real man." He attempted, sadly. Nobody laughed. No one even seemed to notice he had said anything, as they were all beginning to dig into their meals. All except Vexen, who immediately unleashed another shrill wail of laughter.

"Hey, what's this purple guy's name?" Asked Axel randomly, twisting in his seat to indicate to the Gremice shaped kiddy chair he was sitting in. Demyx suddenly gasped and squeaked, yanking something plastic out of his Happy Meal bag.

"Look!" He said excitedly, tearing the package open. "It's Sora!!" He proudly held up the little plastic Sora toy for all to see, and everyone leaned in for a closer look. There was a short silence.

"No...way..." Said Axel. "They have...Kingdom Hearts...toys." He gaped, open mouthed at the Sora. Demyx looked up from the square of directions.

"Look at this!" He twisted Sora's little arm, and sound emitted from it.

_"Kingdom Hearts is...Light!!"_

_"All for one and one for all!!"_

Xemnas reached over and tried to strangle the plastic Sora, while Demyx whined defensively. Without a word, Axel was out of his chair and on his way out of the kiddy room, wallet in hand. Nobody noticed except Xigbar, who did not hesitate to reach over and attempt to steal his abandoned pie. However, he failed miserably when the sleeve of his outstretched arm flopped into Axel's massive wad of ketchup.

"Eugh!" Realizing this, Xigbar quickly retracted his contaminated arm, accidentally toppling his Super-Sized Pepsi on the way.

"Oops!" Cried Demyx, although he did nothing wrong. Xigbar quickly tried to fix his clumsy mistake by picking up the paper cup as fast as possible, but it slipped out of his hand, as it was now very wet and slimy.

"Dang!" He stood up to reach the fallen drink and knocked the table with his pelvis, causing his half eaten baked potato to plummet off and all over his uniform black robe. Xigbar's eyes began to water and he automatically grabbed his crotch in pain. Demyx burst into fits of giggles.

"YOU HURT YOUR BALLS!" He wheezed through his laughter!

"Stupid table...trying to save the stupid...ow freaking pain." Xigbar mumbled in agony. Marluxia grinned spitefully as he arranged the strawberries in his salad.

Trying to distract himself from the throbbing, Xigbar snatched the stack napkins that sat in front of Xemnas and pathetically began to clean all the sour cream and sauce off of his clothes. Demyx wiped away his tears of laughter and began to watch the futile effort. Vexen's screeching laugh blared out again, but Xemnas bonked him on the top of the head with his fist, which quickly quieted him.

Just then, the door opened and in walked Axel, who returned to the table with his arms full.

"What have you got there, Hothead?" Inquired Marluxia as he carefully placed his tomato slices the exact same length apart on the surface of his salad. Axel glared out of the corner of his eye.

"Don't call me that, it's gross." He said, sitting down. He blinked. The flushed and angry Xigbar caught Axel's eye. "What happened to you?"

Demyx snorted again. "HE HURT HIS BALLS!" He roared, breaking into giggles all over again. Axel smirked, and Xigbar went even redder, treating Demyx to a sharp smack on the back of his head. "Ow..." He whimpered, wincing.

"Stop bickering." Snapped Xemnas as he took another chomp of his chicken burger. Axel responded by dropping his armful on the table with a clatter. Demyx's face lit up.

"More toys!" He exclaimed in excitement.

"Check this out!" Axel reached into the pile of plastic and pulled on package out. He ripped it open and eagerly yanked out a little figure... of himself.

A collective gasp could be heard around the group of villains. An ear to ear grin cracked over Axel's face.

"Ha! SEXY!" He said. Babbling broke out around the table as Demyx and Xemnas grabbed at the toys.

"Hey, Boss, why so interested? I thought you think toys are for sissies!" Asked Xigbar, shooting Demyx a smug glance.

"I'm ignoring you Xigbar." He said without looking at him. "And I'm _not_ a sissy. _You're_ a sissy."

Xemnas didn't answer, but continued to dig frantically, muttering.

"...Donald...Goofy, Kairi...What's that? Riku!...A _Roxas_ toy?? What does _Roxas_ ever do...?..." He slumped back in his seat, staring at the heap of toys.

"Wha's up?" Asked Axel through a mouthful of Big Mac. Xemnas took a deep, calming breath.

"Why," He said finally, "...is there a toy...of Axel...but not ONE OF _ME!!????!!!" _He exploded, spraying 7up all over the now empty toy packages. Demyx, who was sitting directly across from the raged Xemnas, shouted in surprise and shoved himself away from the table. Forgetting that the swiveling chairs were nailed to the ground and therefore incapable of screeching backwards, Demyx pushed himself right off the side of it.

"Whoa!" He cried. Axel calmly stood up and walked o the other side of the kiddy room where it was safe. Marluxia, however, began to shriek.

"GRACIOUS!" He wailed, as he lifted his perfectly arranged Caesar salad away from the table in a panic. Vexen was sitting still, politely looking at Xemnas, who was now red with anger. A bubble of darkness was starting to spread around the pile of toys, about to engulf them and send them into oblivion.

Realizing this, Axel's eyes widened and he rushed back to the table to save his innocent (but cheap) toys from Xemnas' wrath. The blob of dark power was growing larger and larger, and the Superior was beginning to crack an evil grin.

Axel grabbed the side of the table and tipped it to one side, sending all the toys slipping across it, away from Xemnas and straight towards Xigbar. But that wasn't the only thing. As Xemnas let out a roar of defeat, Xigbar's second baked potato, which was drenched in three different sauces and mountains of sour cream, teetered, as if in slow motion, on the edge of the table, and landed splat in his lap.

Everyone went very quiet, and stared from Axel, to Xemnas, then to Xigbar.

"Oops." Said Axel in a very unapologetic tone. He gave Demyx a hand up off the floor and casually reseated himself in his Gremice chair. Xigbar's face contorted with frustration. Grinding his teeth and clamping his uncovered eye shut, he stood up, allowing the ruined potato to flop to the ground with a soggy slap. Leaving everything behind, he walked around the table and out the door.

"Where's _he_ going?" Inquired Marluxia disapprovingly, replacing his beautiful salad on the table.

"Probably to the bathroom, to clean up." Replied Xemnas calmly, and he continued to munch on his fries as if nothing had happened.

"Or to drown himself in a toilet." Suggested Axel.

"Vexen?" Said Demyx curiously. "Why aren't you eating your Filet-O-Fish?"

Vexen sneered at Demyx as if he was a stupid idiot. "I cannot." He said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Demyx lowered his head and took a sip of his milkshake.

"Oh...Okay." He said, feeling dumb.

"SUPERIOR!" Yelled Vexen in a very demanding tone. Marluxia glared at him for making noise and Demyx jumped and started choking.

(A/N: THERE IT IS!! CHOKE!!!!!!!)

Xemnas slowly looked over at Vexen.

"Yes?" He asked in a tone that clearly suggested that he was bothering him. Vexen clicked his teeth together in a biting gesture.

"Can you chew my fish for me?"

At that moment, the kiddy room door opened gently and in walked Xigbar, still covered in food.

"You missed a spot." Axel pointed out obviously. Xigbar looked at him and smiled, which shocked Axel so much that he nearly dropping his box of fries. He stared at him in wonder.

"What's with you? It is a beautiful day, why do you look so constipated?" Xigbar said. He patted Axel on the head and sat down, looking genuinely happy. Everyone else, however, looked terrified.

As Xigbar helped himself to a third potato, a mangled, smashed toilet in the men's washroom spurted a steady stream of water all over the floor.

(A/N: Hey, so that's all I have down so far! Chapter 4 is just getting started, so I'm hoping to have it up soon! I'm also hoping that I set up the story right on here, and that it worked. If there's anything I need to fix when it comes to that, please tell me about it and I'll do my best to make it better! I won't say no to any reviews either, all are welcome! Okay, I'm gonna go work on chapter 4 now, so I hope you are enjoying it so far!)


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